Ugh. I have to quit caffeine totally as one of the requirements for this surgery. NOTHING. NADA. Ok fine. I'm game for that too! Yippie Skippy! The problem? Caffeine is addictive. I am an addict. Damn. Day two of cutting it into 1/4 of previously consumed amounts, and I have a skull pounding headache, and am dragging ass all the way to work! I can only imagine the HELL it would be if I attempted this "cold turkey." Hell It was much easier to quit the booze long ago when I was drinking dangerous amounts and an alcoholic. Off to pop some Advil, which after the surgery I won't be using EITHER because they can eat holes in the stomach lining, and with the modified stomach pouch, that's not a risk I am willing to take.
On a side note, why is it that there are all these life sayings/lessons revolving around food? Cold turkey. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Don't cry over spilt milk. The list goes on. Makes me kind of wonder how that happened?
Anyway, off to work, oh joy!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Ick!
Did you know the average American consumes FOUR servings of french fries a WEEK? That just makes me feel icky all around!
I guess it is time to revoke my "fat girl" credentials. I actually FORGOT that there was cheesecake in the fridge. YAYYYYYY! Fat girl happy dance!
Its the little things right?
I guess it is time to revoke my "fat girl" credentials. I actually FORGOT that there was cheesecake in the fridge. YAYYYYYY! Fat girl happy dance!
Its the little things right?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Yesterday was an epic FAIL
I had to drive three hours each way to rescue a friend of mine. She blew the headgasket in her car, and it would cost more to fix it than the car was worth. I had to leave town so fast, that I FORGOT MY ROAD MAP! Ugh. VZ Navigator sucks great big monkey nuts too! Finally I had to just call one of my guy friends who grew up in that area, and have him tell me where the hell I was, and how to get to where I need to go. UGH. Glad I got home safely though.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Keep on Keepin' on.....
Today was one of those days where I just let myself cruise in the parenting department. There is nothing wrong with an 8 year old in the back yard playing hard on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it.... or using the hose to water all the flowers in the yard. I just did not have it in me to participate 100% in his activities. I refuse to feel guilty for that.
My son had therapy today, where he painted his Grandma a picture, with his feet. Totally ruined his outfit with tempera paint. I can only hope that Borax will get it out. We went to one of the splash decks in town, and he got to play with a handful of other kids his age. I read some textbooks and am one chapter away from completing all the reading for this week. This is AWESOME! The assignments and reading aren't actually due until SUNDAY at midnight! WHOOHOO I am ahead of the game this week! I just have to complete two discussion panels by Wednesday, and that one chapter. Today was not a bust completely!
I am finding that as I proceed on this journey in therapy to fix my past, I am finding it far easier for me to forgive myself for the not so great days as a parent. I am also giving myself permission to have those mental celebrations about the simple things, like completing homework early.
In 2006, I was working full time, and taking four classes at the University of Montana. I was a single mom (still am) and taking care of the household, and my child in addition to school, and trying to be "the good girlfriend." To be frank, I was a basket case, quickly driving the bus I was on to "hell in a handbasket." There came a time that I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Doing the dishes one day, I literally saw blood on my arm while holding a 9 inch butcher knife. I made my mom come to my apartment, and remove the knife. Even though I never ran the blade across my skin, I could only look at it and see blood. I did not want that in my house. I did not want to see that knife ever again.
How is it, that now I am dealing with even tougher classes in school (albeit online) with more reading than I ever thought I was capable, in addition to parenting my son, therapy for both of us, as well as work and after school activities. How, this time, am I managing this? Part of me is afraid of asking the question WHY. The rational part of me knows that I am far more ready for the changes I am making in my life. I was nowhere NEAR ready to get my poop in a group back then. I was not prepared to allow myself to succeed. I had no idea how to compartmentalize my life, and just get it done. Thank you Dr S. I learned how to do it!
My son had therapy today, where he painted his Grandma a picture, with his feet. Totally ruined his outfit with tempera paint. I can only hope that Borax will get it out. We went to one of the splash decks in town, and he got to play with a handful of other kids his age. I read some textbooks and am one chapter away from completing all the reading for this week. This is AWESOME! The assignments and reading aren't actually due until SUNDAY at midnight! WHOOHOO I am ahead of the game this week! I just have to complete two discussion panels by Wednesday, and that one chapter. Today was not a bust completely!
I am finding that as I proceed on this journey in therapy to fix my past, I am finding it far easier for me to forgive myself for the not so great days as a parent. I am also giving myself permission to have those mental celebrations about the simple things, like completing homework early.
In 2006, I was working full time, and taking four classes at the University of Montana. I was a single mom (still am) and taking care of the household, and my child in addition to school, and trying to be "the good girlfriend." To be frank, I was a basket case, quickly driving the bus I was on to "hell in a handbasket." There came a time that I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Doing the dishes one day, I literally saw blood on my arm while holding a 9 inch butcher knife. I made my mom come to my apartment, and remove the knife. Even though I never ran the blade across my skin, I could only look at it and see blood. I did not want that in my house. I did not want to see that knife ever again.
How is it, that now I am dealing with even tougher classes in school (albeit online) with more reading than I ever thought I was capable, in addition to parenting my son, therapy for both of us, as well as work and after school activities. How, this time, am I managing this? Part of me is afraid of asking the question WHY. The rational part of me knows that I am far more ready for the changes I am making in my life. I was nowhere NEAR ready to get my poop in a group back then. I was not prepared to allow myself to succeed. I had no idea how to compartmentalize my life, and just get it done. Thank you Dr S. I learned how to do it!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Doozy of a day
Uh yeah. So Today, is the day that my ex, that swore up and down he would never get married, Got married. Well not technically today. I found OUT today. This makes four people that I have dated, that have married the person they dated immediately after me.
This in itself wouldn't bother me much, except the most recent ex found out through the grapevine that I am having surgery, and that kiddo and I are going on a cruise. Why bother sending me a message asking about it? He obviously didn't have the courtesy to "man up" and break things off in a normal and sane way. Why should he be privy to knowledge about my life? I have yet to respond, and I am thinking about just blocking his ass, just 'cause I'm feeling kinda bitchy.
This in itself wouldn't bother me much, except the most recent ex found out through the grapevine that I am having surgery, and that kiddo and I are going on a cruise. Why bother sending me a message asking about it? He obviously didn't have the courtesy to "man up" and break things off in a normal and sane way. Why should he be privy to knowledge about my life? I have yet to respond, and I am thinking about just blocking his ass, just 'cause I'm feeling kinda bitchy.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Blergggghhhhh.....
Why is it that every damned time I try to do something in my life for the good, my father has to say something completely horrible and negative? I go back to school, he "finds out" and screams at me about not being able to afford it, and not being a good mom because I have to eek out study time. WTF? Let me get this straight, I am doing something that has the potential to DOUBLE my income (already have a job offer AT double my income) and the asshat can only think about the short term? Yes it makes me sad that I have to take time away from my kiddo to study. Yes I lose sleep due to trying to fit it all in to the day. Hell even my therapist is impressed.
Decide to do the lap band procedure. What does said jackass have to say about it? How the fuck are you going to afford that?
Great Dad. I'll just continue to be fat, uneducated, working in a grocery store, and living in your basement for the rest of my god forsaken life! FUCK YOU! What the hell makes you so god damned special? You were in the Navy for four years? Yeah, back in the sixties. Big Whooptie doo. You let that four years be your "glory days" and have spent the last 18 YEARS working in a farm supply store, where you BARELY make more than I do as a cashier in a grocery store after two years!
Oh and for the record? I leave my laundry in "dirty" (they are actually clean) piles in my bedroom just to PISS.YOU.OFF. BACK OFF MY ASS mmmkay?
Decide to do the lap band procedure. What does said jackass have to say about it? How the fuck are you going to afford that?
Great Dad. I'll just continue to be fat, uneducated, working in a grocery store, and living in your basement for the rest of my god forsaken life! FUCK YOU! What the hell makes you so god damned special? You were in the Navy for four years? Yeah, back in the sixties. Big Whooptie doo. You let that four years be your "glory days" and have spent the last 18 YEARS working in a farm supply store, where you BARELY make more than I do as a cashier in a grocery store after two years!
Oh and for the record? I leave my laundry in "dirty" (they are actually clean) piles in my bedroom just to PISS.YOU.OFF. BACK OFF MY ASS mmmkay?
Friday, July 23, 2010
Went to therapy today.
I am slowly starting to feel better about the past, and things that I have lived through. It is amazing how simply letting things out into the open can affect a mood, a thought, and a feeling.
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