ARGHHHHH!!!

Fuck. Lots of proverbial shit hitting the fan around here. First off, I had to quit running. I got hurt pretty bad, doing something pretty stupid, and well, doc says its a no-go. Damn. Down to only walking. I guess I can deal. Constant headaches, wich will make it pretty much a no-go for the lap-band procedure this year as well. Double Damn. I am not sure if I will have the same insurance coverage next year. Oh well, guess it wasn't really meant to be. One foot in front of the other right?

OOPS?

Today has been an all around lousy day. My alarm clock was supposed to go off at 4:30am. I woke up at 5:08am. I usually leave for work at 5:15am. You can see why this would be problematic! I get to work (on time, in a bad mood) and lament the fact that I can no longer consume caffeine. Celebrate the fact that today is my "Friday." Start pushing shopping carts, and run over my bloody foot. Luckily the store is still not open yet, and I can freely cuss over the pain in my toes. Kick said rack of shopping carts with the good foot.
Open the store at six, lo-and-behold. Our entire check stand system is running so slow that I could have probably hand charged everyone in the same amount of time as the computer was taking to figure it out. Attempt to re-boot my computer and FAIL at that. STILL running slow. Fuck it. Open another check stand, and while it is running slow, its STILL faster than my assigned check stand.
Side rant: If you shop at a grocery store where there is a club type rewards card? Yeah, please REALISE that the poor cashier has to get three screens deep before being able to enter your freaking phone number! The little old ladies and grumpy old dudes are the WORST with this! Please dear shitty customer, let me greet you before you scream your phone number at me! Better yet? Don't lose the three cards we have given you when you signed up! It's enough to drive a grown arsed woman to dire frustration allowing her a mental picture of climbing over the check stand, and playing Choke-a-bitch with the next mental case driving a putt putt cart! Oh, and to the woman that always fucks up her grocery shopping EVERY DAMNED WEEK, requiring me to have to void countless items to fit the amount of money you have? FUCK YOU! You know how much cash you rolled into the store with. USE a piece of paper and a damned calculator you stupid twit! End rant.
Struggle through most of my day, and got sent home early, around 12:30pm. WOOHOO. Go to take a nap. Wake up thinking today is now MONDAY, haul ass to get the reading at least half done, and go to test on what I have just read. WHAT do you mean its Sunday and the tests haven't dropped to available? Shit. I give up.

Keep on Keepin' on.....

Today was one of those days where I just let myself cruise in the parenting department. There is nothing wrong with an 8 year old in the back yard playing hard on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it.... or using the hose to water all the flowers in the yard. I just did not have it in me to participate 100% in his activities. I refuse to feel guilty for that.
My son had therapy today, where he painted his Grandma a picture, with his feet. Totally ruined his outfit with tempera paint. I can only hope that Borax will get it out. We went to one of the splash decks in town, and he got to play with a handful of other kids his age. I read some textbooks and am one chapter away from completing all the reading for this week. This is AWESOME! The assignments and reading aren't actually due until SUNDAY at midnight! WHOOHOO I am ahead of the game this week! I just have to complete two discussion panels by Wednesday, and that one chapter. Today was not a bust completely!
I am finding that as I proceed on this journey in therapy to fix my past, I am finding it far easier for me to forgive myself for the not so great days as a parent. I am also giving myself permission to have those mental celebrations about the simple things, like completing homework early.
In 2006, I was working full time, and taking four classes at the University of Montana. I was a single mom (still am) and taking care of the household, and my child in addition to school, and trying to be "the good girlfriend." To be frank, I was a basket case, quickly driving the bus I was on to "hell in a handbasket." There came a time that I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Doing the dishes one day, I literally saw blood on my arm while holding a 9 inch butcher knife. I made my mom come to my apartment, and remove the knife. Even though I never ran the blade across my skin, I could only look at it and see blood. I did not want that in my house. I did not want to see that knife ever again.
How is it, that now I am dealing with even tougher classes in school (albeit online) with more reading than I ever thought I was capable, in addition to parenting my son, therapy for both of us, as well as work and after school activities. How, this time, am I managing this? Part of me is afraid of asking the question WHY. The rational part of me knows that I am far more ready for the changes I am making in my life. I was nowhere NEAR ready to get my poop in a group back then. I was not prepared to allow myself to succeed. I had no idea how to compartmentalize my life, and just get it done. Thank you Dr S. I learned how to do it!