Caffiene is the debbil!

Ugh. I have to quit caffeine totally as one of the requirements for this surgery. NOTHING. NADA. Ok fine. I'm game for that too! Yippie Skippy! The problem? Caffeine is addictive. I am an addict. Damn. Day two of cutting it into 1/4 of previously consumed amounts, and I have a skull pounding headache, and am dragging ass all the way to work! I can only imagine the HELL it would be if I attempted this "cold turkey." Hell It was much easier to quit the booze long ago when I was drinking dangerous amounts and an alcoholic. Off to pop some Advil, which after the surgery I won't be using EITHER because they can eat holes in the stomach lining, and with the modified stomach pouch, that's not a risk I am willing to take.
On a side note, why is it that there are all these life sayings/lessons revolving around food? Cold turkey. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Don't cry over spilt milk. The list goes on. Makes me kind of wonder how that happened?
Anyway, off to work, oh joy!

Ick!

Did you know the average American consumes FOUR servings of french fries a WEEK? That just makes me feel icky all around!
I guess it is time to revoke my "fat girl" credentials. I actually FORGOT that there was cheesecake in the fridge. YAYYYYYY! Fat girl happy dance!
Its the little things right?

Yesterday was an epic FAIL

I had to drive three hours each way to rescue a friend of mine. She blew the headgasket in her car, and it would cost more to fix it than the car was worth. I had to leave town so fast, that I FORGOT MY ROAD MAP! Ugh. VZ Navigator sucks great big monkey nuts too! Finally I had to just call one of my guy friends who grew up in that area, and have him tell me where the hell I was, and how to get to where I need to go. UGH. Glad I got home safely though.

Keep on Keepin' on.....

Today was one of those days where I just let myself cruise in the parenting department. There is nothing wrong with an 8 year old in the back yard playing hard on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it.... or using the hose to water all the flowers in the yard. I just did not have it in me to participate 100% in his activities. I refuse to feel guilty for that.
My son had therapy today, where he painted his Grandma a picture, with his feet. Totally ruined his outfit with tempera paint. I can only hope that Borax will get it out. We went to one of the splash decks in town, and he got to play with a handful of other kids his age. I read some textbooks and am one chapter away from completing all the reading for this week. This is AWESOME! The assignments and reading aren't actually due until SUNDAY at midnight! WHOOHOO I am ahead of the game this week! I just have to complete two discussion panels by Wednesday, and that one chapter. Today was not a bust completely!
I am finding that as I proceed on this journey in therapy to fix my past, I am finding it far easier for me to forgive myself for the not so great days as a parent. I am also giving myself permission to have those mental celebrations about the simple things, like completing homework early.
In 2006, I was working full time, and taking four classes at the University of Montana. I was a single mom (still am) and taking care of the household, and my child in addition to school, and trying to be "the good girlfriend." To be frank, I was a basket case, quickly driving the bus I was on to "hell in a handbasket." There came a time that I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Doing the dishes one day, I literally saw blood on my arm while holding a 9 inch butcher knife. I made my mom come to my apartment, and remove the knife. Even though I never ran the blade across my skin, I could only look at it and see blood. I did not want that in my house. I did not want to see that knife ever again.
How is it, that now I am dealing with even tougher classes in school (albeit online) with more reading than I ever thought I was capable, in addition to parenting my son, therapy for both of us, as well as work and after school activities. How, this time, am I managing this? Part of me is afraid of asking the question WHY. The rational part of me knows that I am far more ready for the changes I am making in my life. I was nowhere NEAR ready to get my poop in a group back then. I was not prepared to allow myself to succeed. I had no idea how to compartmentalize my life, and just get it done. Thank you Dr S. I learned how to do it!

Doozy of a day

Uh yeah. So Today, is the day that my ex, that swore up and down he would never get married, Got married. Well not technically today. I found OUT today. This makes four people that I have dated, that have married the person they dated immediately after me.
This in itself wouldn't bother me much, except the most recent ex found out through the grapevine that I am having surgery, and that kiddo and I are going on a cruise. Why bother sending me a message asking about it? He obviously didn't have the courtesy to "man up" and break things off in a normal and sane way. Why should he be privy to knowledge about my life? I have yet to respond, and I am thinking about just blocking his ass, just 'cause I'm feeling kinda bitchy.

Blergggghhhhh.....

Why is it that every damned time I try to do something in my life for the good, my father has to say something completely horrible and negative? I go back to school, he "finds out" and screams at me about not being able to afford it, and not being a good mom because I have to eek out study time. WTF? Let me get this straight, I am doing something that has the potential to DOUBLE my income (already have a job offer AT double my income) and the asshat can only think about the short term? Yes it makes me sad that I have to take time away from my kiddo to study. Yes I lose sleep due to trying to fit it all in to the day. Hell even my therapist is impressed.
Decide to do the lap band procedure. What does said jackass have to say about it? How the fuck are you going to afford that?
Great Dad. I'll just continue to be fat, uneducated, working in a grocery store, and living in your basement for the rest of my god forsaken life! FUCK YOU! What the hell makes you so god damned special? You were in the Navy for four years? Yeah, back in the sixties. Big Whooptie doo. You let that four years be your "glory days" and have spent the last 18 YEARS working in a farm supply store, where you BARELY make more than I do as a cashier in a grocery store after two years!
Oh and for the record? I leave my laundry in "dirty" (they are actually clean) piles in my bedroom just to PISS.YOU.OFF. BACK OFF MY ASS mmmkay?

Went to therapy today.

I am slowly starting to feel better about the past, and things that I have lived through. It is amazing how simply letting things out into the open can affect a mood, a thought, and a feeling.

Getting my ass in gear.

Eat less. Move more. Simple really. I MUST get my ass moving if I am going to be successful on this journey. AS well as needing to fulfill the exercise requirements for treatment. I talked to one of the guys I work with, who just happens to do a little bit of personal training as a sideline gig. He seems to think that the couch to 5k program CAN work. It will just be tough. He advised me to take it slow, and double up on the total number of weeks that I do each step. Instead of 9 weeks, this will take 18, just to make sure that I am really ready to take each new step, as well as gradually ease myself into it. He thinks I should also re-evaluate after week six to see if doubling the weeks is working for me.
I didn't want to purchase the whole program from I.Tunes. SOOOOO A little bit of Google action, and I found THIS!
THE PODCASTS!
Podcasts, one for each week, that includes music, and instructions on when to run, when to walk, when to warm up and when to cool down! Holy Hannah! SUHHHWWEEETTT!
I am STILL contemplating taking the before pictures, and posting them.... Not sure that I have the balls to do so. Still seriously thinking though.

Speed bump.....

So far, I fit EVERY criteria my insurance company requires for the Lap-band procedure. EXCEPT for one. I have not participated in a medically supervised diet program for six consecutive months in the last two years. DUH, I only RECENTLY got insurance. DUH I'm a single mom, in school, and working as a cashier. WHERE exactly was that money going to come from?
The person I spoke with at my insurance company said he has NEVER seen it approved without that requirement, however it's still worth a shot. I am wondering if BCBSofMN trains them to say stuff like that to discourage people.
One would think that by paying for a gastric procedure on someone (even without co-morbidity) would be in the best interest of the insurance company. The insurance cost and expenditures by the insurance company would of course be DRASTICALLY reduced, if, for instance, this procedure reverses the current joint issues I have. Or if it minimizes my already increased risk for Type II Diabetes. Two total knee replacements (for instance) cost more than one gastric lapband procedure.
I am contemplating starting taking self portraits. Bra and panties type. Yes I will post them. WHY? Because I want a record of where I started, and where I want to be. Remember to those of you who feel it would scar you... Tough shit. This is ALL about me!

Food and excersize log....

Also known as: Gee how shitty can we feel about what and how we eat?
I know I have to get moving more as far as exercises, witch I have no problem with that. The problem I apparently have, is that a fat chick on a trampoline with an 8 year old is a recipe for nausea! Holy hannah! Since when does being on a trampoline make me physically ill? Grrr This is supposed to be GOOD for me.... that whole move more eat less thing. Guess I will have to stick to walking.
six am: Two (GASP) cups lucky charms, 1.5 cups 2%milk
eleven am: One hot dog, with white bun, ketchup. 2 cups of mixed fruit blended into a "yummy" drink. Resisted the urge to add anything else.
twelve fortyfive pm: Caved in, and am in the process of enjoying a can of diet coke. So far so good at making it last longer than ten minutes.
Baby steps. So far so good with them.

informational packet

So, shortly after my very first post, I went to the mailbox and picked up my bariatric surgery informational packet. This is the stuff I have to read, acknowladge, and fill out prior to being seen by the bariatric team. Whooohooo it's ALWAYS a barrel of laughs when trying to remember what relative has wich disease. I had to call my mom, sister, and even brother, in order to gather the required information. Phew, the whole packet is complete already, with the exception of the three day food and excersize log. That starts tomorrow!
Hopefully, having already been working with a therapist these past few months, will count as a psychiatric evaluation completion in order to satisfy that requirement. I really don't look forward to adding another therapist to my list of medical providers that I have already been involved with. Frankly, therapy, and the ability to open up to said provider, is a challenging situation. It took me three months of family therapy with my son in order to finally admit to the therapist that I had a bigger issue to deal with, and schedule a single appointment with him. It was kind of odd to hear him say "I was wondering how long it would take you to cave in and talk to me." Aparently I am not good at hiding past trauma from a therapist. Scary huh?
Off I go to make dinner. I am making one of the family favorites. This may be the last time in my life I make it for myself to consume any of it. Over the last week, I have made a sort of "food bucket list" of the things that I know I will NEVER be able to eat again in my lifetime. So far, nothing earth shattering, and I can honestly say that the last Big Mac I ever ate, made me physically ILL! Guess its a good thing that I don't really like them anymore!

The first baby step.

Hello everyone! Well, here goes nothing!
I am starting this blog as a record of what I will be and am going through on my journey with a gastric lap band. This is, all at once, scary and exciting. On the one hand, the fear of surgery is in the back of my mind. There are no guarentees that I will come through with flying colors, or without complications. That I guess, is the nature of surgery. At this stage in my life, I am more afraid of being fat, than I am of the complications of surgery, or the lap band itself.
This year, is the year I turn 30. It is also the year I have chosen to take control of my life. Take control from the trauma of my past, the decisions of the present, and the outlook for my future. I have been kicking around the idea of gastric surgery for a few years. In January, I started seriously considering it. I also procrastinated in finding out if my insurance covers it. On July 2nd 2010 is the day I finally asked my doctor if it was a possibility. That is also the day I called my insurance company.
The good news is, that I do have bariatric coverage. The bad news is that I could still be denied. Cross your fingers! I am throwing this out to the universe, a plea, from wichever deity that you believe in, please please please find a way to let this happen for me!