ARGHHHHH!!!

Fuck. Lots of proverbial shit hitting the fan around here. First off, I had to quit running. I got hurt pretty bad, doing something pretty stupid, and well, doc says its a no-go. Damn. Down to only walking. I guess I can deal. Constant headaches, wich will make it pretty much a no-go for the lap-band procedure this year as well. Double Damn. I am not sure if I will have the same insurance coverage next year. Oh well, guess it wasn't really meant to be. One foot in front of the other right?

OOPS?

Today has been an all around lousy day. My alarm clock was supposed to go off at 4:30am. I woke up at 5:08am. I usually leave for work at 5:15am. You can see why this would be problematic! I get to work (on time, in a bad mood) and lament the fact that I can no longer consume caffeine. Celebrate the fact that today is my "Friday." Start pushing shopping carts, and run over my bloody foot. Luckily the store is still not open yet, and I can freely cuss over the pain in my toes. Kick said rack of shopping carts with the good foot.
Open the store at six, lo-and-behold. Our entire check stand system is running so slow that I could have probably hand charged everyone in the same amount of time as the computer was taking to figure it out. Attempt to re-boot my computer and FAIL at that. STILL running slow. Fuck it. Open another check stand, and while it is running slow, its STILL faster than my assigned check stand.
Side rant: If you shop at a grocery store where there is a club type rewards card? Yeah, please REALISE that the poor cashier has to get three screens deep before being able to enter your freaking phone number! The little old ladies and grumpy old dudes are the WORST with this! Please dear shitty customer, let me greet you before you scream your phone number at me! Better yet? Don't lose the three cards we have given you when you signed up! It's enough to drive a grown arsed woman to dire frustration allowing her a mental picture of climbing over the check stand, and playing Choke-a-bitch with the next mental case driving a putt putt cart! Oh, and to the woman that always fucks up her grocery shopping EVERY DAMNED WEEK, requiring me to have to void countless items to fit the amount of money you have? FUCK YOU! You know how much cash you rolled into the store with. USE a piece of paper and a damned calculator you stupid twit! End rant.
Struggle through most of my day, and got sent home early, around 12:30pm. WOOHOO. Go to take a nap. Wake up thinking today is now MONDAY, haul ass to get the reading at least half done, and go to test on what I have just read. WHAT do you mean its Sunday and the tests haven't dropped to available? Shit. I give up.

I did not want to post yesterday.

I feel SO discouraged right now. I realise that I have to jump through the insurance hoops in order to get the insurance company to agree to pay for the lap band surgery. I get it, I really do. HOWEVER, I have to pay the copay now, once a month, to go see a doctor or a nutritionist for the next six months to be on a "physician supervised" diet for six months. OK whatever. HOWEVER what happens when the insurance company decides to drop that particular coverage for the next year? by the time I am through the six month period, they may no longer cover any bariatric surgery for ANY reason! ARGHHHHH!
Plus, at the required educational meeting, they put us on this scale that figures out your body composition. Frankly, I am heavier than I thought. I had thought that I was under the 300lb mark. Nope. Apparently my scale lies by 15 pounds. Ugh. I wanted to cry!
My friend and I figured out, that if each of us switches issues, My obesity for her anorexia, both of our problems would be solved! LOL she has just as much danger now being anorexic, as I do being fat. It somehow doesn't seem fair. She is the only woman I know to order her wedding dress, and then have it come in WAY too big!

Running. Day 2

Adventures of fat girl running, day 2. Tonight, I ran the second day of week one in the couch to 5k program. Not loving it, defintatly not HATING it, but not exactly warm and fuzzy about it either. Suprisingly enough, when I finish running, I am feeling okay. Not like all those times in gradeschool and highschool when they "made us run the mile" and us fat kids were left in the dust.... and the popular athletic kids could run it twice in the time that the fat kid got almost there. I was not prepared for THAT feeling to come back to me.
The more people that find out about what I am doing, the more people seem to WANT to do it with me. I am game for that, even if you are halfway across the country, join me!
I broke down, and had part of a diet coke today. It tasted funny, and I only managed 1/4 of it before I threw it away. I consider that a progress of some measure.
School is doing great, Just have one assignment due this week, and am still not sure WHAT to write about. Better get my ass in gear about it.

I'm paddling away!

I have thus far, not had a SINGLE soda today! Iced tea is my friend. Today, I drank a gallon sweetened with Splenda, and a half gallon of plain water. Ick. HATE water, but I know I have to do it! All things considered, I am doing okay. Yes I realise that iced tea still has caffiene, HOWEVER I can NOT do it cold turkey. I am "stepping down" the caffiene!

Ah, the educational class.

OOPS! Thursday at 5:30 Mountain time, I will walk into an educational meeting for bariatric surgery, flanked on one side by a 5'7 size 0 best friend and former boss, and a 6'3 amazon plus sized woman Friend/co worker on the other. These two people, are my biggest supporters! They have cheered me on in my decision to slay the demons of my past, have sat with me while I cried that ugly cry, and told me that "yes, he is indeed a douchenozzle" when the ex screwed up. These two, through thick and thin, have laughed with me, cried with me, and been total bitches to others who would attempt to bring me down.
I can not even begin to describe how much their support and encouragement have meant to me. I owe them a debt that I fear I will never be able to repay. They have helped me to find ME.
I am afraid of this meeting. Once I go through this, it becomes REAL. At this point, all the preparations have been on the superficial level really. I have done the research, listed the pros and cons of each of my options. I have started to take the baby steps required before we can even be considered for this. This is REAL. At this point, I am still not sure that we can get insurance approval, and this is where everything lies. I can NOT afford to do this 100% out of pocket. I don't know many people who can. I am closing my eyes, asking for a miracle, and hoping that my insurance company can justify paying for this expense rather than take the risk that my family inheritance has left me.

Running attempt, take 2

I scored a sweet pair of nike running shoes on Monday. Almost half off. The beauty is that even though they are men's, they fit my Flinstone feet correctly! YAY! I went running around 945 Monday night, simply because it was too bloody hot to attempt it before that time. I figured I would take things easy, break in the new shoes, and work up to the whole running for sixty seconds walking for ninety seconds thing. I must say, I did GREAT! I hated it the whole time, but did NOT give up and walk it all. Granted I skipped three of the intervals of running, BUT I did not give up. I kept at it. the intervals that I skipped, I did make an effort to walk them at a faster pace than during the cool down intervals in the session. I think I am going to do the week one session for two weeks. I have a big ass neighborhood, and I managed to make it all the way to the other end before I started getting a pinch in my side. This is good news, because well, any other attempt to run, all the way back to grade school, and two minutes in I wanted to DIE! Will be "resting" tomorrow with only a slow walk around the neighborhood with the kiddo, but I am happy to say I am not fully dreading it. Maybe this isn't so bad after all?

Running, Day one.

Oh.dear.lord. What have I done? Fat girls were never meant to run! I learned that I have to get new running shoes too. Fark. At least I don't have to work tomorrow.

Caffiene is the debbil!

Ugh. I have to quit caffeine totally as one of the requirements for this surgery. NOTHING. NADA. Ok fine. I'm game for that too! Yippie Skippy! The problem? Caffeine is addictive. I am an addict. Damn. Day two of cutting it into 1/4 of previously consumed amounts, and I have a skull pounding headache, and am dragging ass all the way to work! I can only imagine the HELL it would be if I attempted this "cold turkey." Hell It was much easier to quit the booze long ago when I was drinking dangerous amounts and an alcoholic. Off to pop some Advil, which after the surgery I won't be using EITHER because they can eat holes in the stomach lining, and with the modified stomach pouch, that's not a risk I am willing to take.
On a side note, why is it that there are all these life sayings/lessons revolving around food? Cold turkey. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Don't cry over spilt milk. The list goes on. Makes me kind of wonder how that happened?
Anyway, off to work, oh joy!

Ick!

Did you know the average American consumes FOUR servings of french fries a WEEK? That just makes me feel icky all around!
I guess it is time to revoke my "fat girl" credentials. I actually FORGOT that there was cheesecake in the fridge. YAYYYYYY! Fat girl happy dance!
Its the little things right?

Yesterday was an epic FAIL

I had to drive three hours each way to rescue a friend of mine. She blew the headgasket in her car, and it would cost more to fix it than the car was worth. I had to leave town so fast, that I FORGOT MY ROAD MAP! Ugh. VZ Navigator sucks great big monkey nuts too! Finally I had to just call one of my guy friends who grew up in that area, and have him tell me where the hell I was, and how to get to where I need to go. UGH. Glad I got home safely though.

Keep on Keepin' on.....

Today was one of those days where I just let myself cruise in the parenting department. There is nothing wrong with an 8 year old in the back yard playing hard on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it.... or using the hose to water all the flowers in the yard. I just did not have it in me to participate 100% in his activities. I refuse to feel guilty for that.
My son had therapy today, where he painted his Grandma a picture, with his feet. Totally ruined his outfit with tempera paint. I can only hope that Borax will get it out. We went to one of the splash decks in town, and he got to play with a handful of other kids his age. I read some textbooks and am one chapter away from completing all the reading for this week. This is AWESOME! The assignments and reading aren't actually due until SUNDAY at midnight! WHOOHOO I am ahead of the game this week! I just have to complete two discussion panels by Wednesday, and that one chapter. Today was not a bust completely!
I am finding that as I proceed on this journey in therapy to fix my past, I am finding it far easier for me to forgive myself for the not so great days as a parent. I am also giving myself permission to have those mental celebrations about the simple things, like completing homework early.
In 2006, I was working full time, and taking four classes at the University of Montana. I was a single mom (still am) and taking care of the household, and my child in addition to school, and trying to be "the good girlfriend." To be frank, I was a basket case, quickly driving the bus I was on to "hell in a handbasket." There came a time that I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Doing the dishes one day, I literally saw blood on my arm while holding a 9 inch butcher knife. I made my mom come to my apartment, and remove the knife. Even though I never ran the blade across my skin, I could only look at it and see blood. I did not want that in my house. I did not want to see that knife ever again.
How is it, that now I am dealing with even tougher classes in school (albeit online) with more reading than I ever thought I was capable, in addition to parenting my son, therapy for both of us, as well as work and after school activities. How, this time, am I managing this? Part of me is afraid of asking the question WHY. The rational part of me knows that I am far more ready for the changes I am making in my life. I was nowhere NEAR ready to get my poop in a group back then. I was not prepared to allow myself to succeed. I had no idea how to compartmentalize my life, and just get it done. Thank you Dr S. I learned how to do it!

Doozy of a day

Uh yeah. So Today, is the day that my ex, that swore up and down he would never get married, Got married. Well not technically today. I found OUT today. This makes four people that I have dated, that have married the person they dated immediately after me.
This in itself wouldn't bother me much, except the most recent ex found out through the grapevine that I am having surgery, and that kiddo and I are going on a cruise. Why bother sending me a message asking about it? He obviously didn't have the courtesy to "man up" and break things off in a normal and sane way. Why should he be privy to knowledge about my life? I have yet to respond, and I am thinking about just blocking his ass, just 'cause I'm feeling kinda bitchy.

Blergggghhhhh.....

Why is it that every damned time I try to do something in my life for the good, my father has to say something completely horrible and negative? I go back to school, he "finds out" and screams at me about not being able to afford it, and not being a good mom because I have to eek out study time. WTF? Let me get this straight, I am doing something that has the potential to DOUBLE my income (already have a job offer AT double my income) and the asshat can only think about the short term? Yes it makes me sad that I have to take time away from my kiddo to study. Yes I lose sleep due to trying to fit it all in to the day. Hell even my therapist is impressed.
Decide to do the lap band procedure. What does said jackass have to say about it? How the fuck are you going to afford that?
Great Dad. I'll just continue to be fat, uneducated, working in a grocery store, and living in your basement for the rest of my god forsaken life! FUCK YOU! What the hell makes you so god damned special? You were in the Navy for four years? Yeah, back in the sixties. Big Whooptie doo. You let that four years be your "glory days" and have spent the last 18 YEARS working in a farm supply store, where you BARELY make more than I do as a cashier in a grocery store after two years!
Oh and for the record? I leave my laundry in "dirty" (they are actually clean) piles in my bedroom just to PISS.YOU.OFF. BACK OFF MY ASS mmmkay?

Went to therapy today.

I am slowly starting to feel better about the past, and things that I have lived through. It is amazing how simply letting things out into the open can affect a mood, a thought, and a feeling.

Getting my ass in gear.

Eat less. Move more. Simple really. I MUST get my ass moving if I am going to be successful on this journey. AS well as needing to fulfill the exercise requirements for treatment. I talked to one of the guys I work with, who just happens to do a little bit of personal training as a sideline gig. He seems to think that the couch to 5k program CAN work. It will just be tough. He advised me to take it slow, and double up on the total number of weeks that I do each step. Instead of 9 weeks, this will take 18, just to make sure that I am really ready to take each new step, as well as gradually ease myself into it. He thinks I should also re-evaluate after week six to see if doubling the weeks is working for me.
I didn't want to purchase the whole program from I.Tunes. SOOOOO A little bit of Google action, and I found THIS!
THE PODCASTS!
Podcasts, one for each week, that includes music, and instructions on when to run, when to walk, when to warm up and when to cool down! Holy Hannah! SUHHHWWEEETTT!
I am STILL contemplating taking the before pictures, and posting them.... Not sure that I have the balls to do so. Still seriously thinking though.

Speed bump.....

So far, I fit EVERY criteria my insurance company requires for the Lap-band procedure. EXCEPT for one. I have not participated in a medically supervised diet program for six consecutive months in the last two years. DUH, I only RECENTLY got insurance. DUH I'm a single mom, in school, and working as a cashier. WHERE exactly was that money going to come from?
The person I spoke with at my insurance company said he has NEVER seen it approved without that requirement, however it's still worth a shot. I am wondering if BCBSofMN trains them to say stuff like that to discourage people.
One would think that by paying for a gastric procedure on someone (even without co-morbidity) would be in the best interest of the insurance company. The insurance cost and expenditures by the insurance company would of course be DRASTICALLY reduced, if, for instance, this procedure reverses the current joint issues I have. Or if it minimizes my already increased risk for Type II Diabetes. Two total knee replacements (for instance) cost more than one gastric lapband procedure.
I am contemplating starting taking self portraits. Bra and panties type. Yes I will post them. WHY? Because I want a record of where I started, and where I want to be. Remember to those of you who feel it would scar you... Tough shit. This is ALL about me!

Food and excersize log....

Also known as: Gee how shitty can we feel about what and how we eat?
I know I have to get moving more as far as exercises, witch I have no problem with that. The problem I apparently have, is that a fat chick on a trampoline with an 8 year old is a recipe for nausea! Holy hannah! Since when does being on a trampoline make me physically ill? Grrr This is supposed to be GOOD for me.... that whole move more eat less thing. Guess I will have to stick to walking.
six am: Two (GASP) cups lucky charms, 1.5 cups 2%milk
eleven am: One hot dog, with white bun, ketchup. 2 cups of mixed fruit blended into a "yummy" drink. Resisted the urge to add anything else.
twelve fortyfive pm: Caved in, and am in the process of enjoying a can of diet coke. So far so good at making it last longer than ten minutes.
Baby steps. So far so good with them.

informational packet

So, shortly after my very first post, I went to the mailbox and picked up my bariatric surgery informational packet. This is the stuff I have to read, acknowladge, and fill out prior to being seen by the bariatric team. Whooohooo it's ALWAYS a barrel of laughs when trying to remember what relative has wich disease. I had to call my mom, sister, and even brother, in order to gather the required information. Phew, the whole packet is complete already, with the exception of the three day food and excersize log. That starts tomorrow!
Hopefully, having already been working with a therapist these past few months, will count as a psychiatric evaluation completion in order to satisfy that requirement. I really don't look forward to adding another therapist to my list of medical providers that I have already been involved with. Frankly, therapy, and the ability to open up to said provider, is a challenging situation. It took me three months of family therapy with my son in order to finally admit to the therapist that I had a bigger issue to deal with, and schedule a single appointment with him. It was kind of odd to hear him say "I was wondering how long it would take you to cave in and talk to me." Aparently I am not good at hiding past trauma from a therapist. Scary huh?
Off I go to make dinner. I am making one of the family favorites. This may be the last time in my life I make it for myself to consume any of it. Over the last week, I have made a sort of "food bucket list" of the things that I know I will NEVER be able to eat again in my lifetime. So far, nothing earth shattering, and I can honestly say that the last Big Mac I ever ate, made me physically ILL! Guess its a good thing that I don't really like them anymore!

The first baby step.

Hello everyone! Well, here goes nothing!
I am starting this blog as a record of what I will be and am going through on my journey with a gastric lap band. This is, all at once, scary and exciting. On the one hand, the fear of surgery is in the back of my mind. There are no guarentees that I will come through with flying colors, or without complications. That I guess, is the nature of surgery. At this stage in my life, I am more afraid of being fat, than I am of the complications of surgery, or the lap band itself.
This year, is the year I turn 30. It is also the year I have chosen to take control of my life. Take control from the trauma of my past, the decisions of the present, and the outlook for my future. I have been kicking around the idea of gastric surgery for a few years. In January, I started seriously considering it. I also procrastinated in finding out if my insurance covers it. On July 2nd 2010 is the day I finally asked my doctor if it was a possibility. That is also the day I called my insurance company.
The good news is, that I do have bariatric coverage. The bad news is that I could still be denied. Cross your fingers! I am throwing this out to the universe, a plea, from wichever deity that you believe in, please please please find a way to let this happen for me!