Monday, July 26, 2010

Keep on Keepin' on.....

Today was one of those days where I just let myself cruise in the parenting department. There is nothing wrong with an 8 year old in the back yard playing hard on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it.... or using the hose to water all the flowers in the yard. I just did not have it in me to participate 100% in his activities. I refuse to feel guilty for that.
My son had therapy today, where he painted his Grandma a picture, with his feet. Totally ruined his outfit with tempera paint. I can only hope that Borax will get it out. We went to one of the splash decks in town, and he got to play with a handful of other kids his age. I read some textbooks and am one chapter away from completing all the reading for this week. This is AWESOME! The assignments and reading aren't actually due until SUNDAY at midnight! WHOOHOO I am ahead of the game this week! I just have to complete two discussion panels by Wednesday, and that one chapter. Today was not a bust completely!
I am finding that as I proceed on this journey in therapy to fix my past, I am finding it far easier for me to forgive myself for the not so great days as a parent. I am also giving myself permission to have those mental celebrations about the simple things, like completing homework early.
In 2006, I was working full time, and taking four classes at the University of Montana. I was a single mom (still am) and taking care of the household, and my child in addition to school, and trying to be "the good girlfriend." To be frank, I was a basket case, quickly driving the bus I was on to "hell in a handbasket." There came a time that I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Doing the dishes one day, I literally saw blood on my arm while holding a 9 inch butcher knife. I made my mom come to my apartment, and remove the knife. Even though I never ran the blade across my skin, I could only look at it and see blood. I did not want that in my house. I did not want to see that knife ever again.
How is it, that now I am dealing with even tougher classes in school (albeit online) with more reading than I ever thought I was capable, in addition to parenting my son, therapy for both of us, as well as work and after school activities. How, this time, am I managing this? Part of me is afraid of asking the question WHY. The rational part of me knows that I am far more ready for the changes I am making in my life. I was nowhere NEAR ready to get my poop in a group back then. I was not prepared to allow myself to succeed. I had no idea how to compartmentalize my life, and just get it done. Thank you Dr S. I learned how to do it!

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